True Self-Acceptance - Why It’s Hard
‘True self-acceptance is embracing who you are, without any qualifications, conditions, or exceptions (Seltzer, 2008)’ ~ Positive Psychology.
It’s tapping into the essence that is you, beneath the rules and labels, and recognising that the rest is all decoration.
You are enough in your essence.
The thing is, many don’t feel this complete acceptance of self. Here are some signs that you don’t accept the whole of you:
feeling shameful about aspects of yourself you’d rather hide
saying or thinking negative things about yourself
feeling inauthentic - what you say and how you act don’t correlate
lack of self-confidence
being critical about yourself and your work
feeling guilty about not being better/ good enough
joking about yourself in a negative way
fixating on negatives and ignoring your achievements
blaming yourself when things go wrong
putting yourself below others and thinking they’re better than you
people pleasing
seeking external validation
disrespecting your own boundaries
If any of these are familiar then don’t worry! You’re not alone, and you can definitely change the story.
The key is to practice unconditional self-acceptance.
This means recognising that you are not your thoughts, actions or qualities. It is embracing your mistakes and failures as part of life’s lessons, but understanding that this doesn’t define you.
In yogic terms we can refer to Santosha. Santosha is one of the guidelines laid out in yogic texts that can help us move toward ultimate harmony. Santosha represents contentment. Satisfaction. Detaching from how things should be, and accepting them as they are. Developing a resounding inner peace that is unaffected by life circumstances and external drama.
All humans are fallible, there is no one person alive who is ‘perfect’. Everyone carries the light and the dark.
It is my belief that we are here on earth to heal the shadow within all of us, and when that heals, we’ll no longer project pain, hurt, suffering and darkness into the world around us. Human beings, as a species, have a lot of work to do to raise the consciousness and take responsibility for our own traumas and darkness, recognising our own part in the suffering of the world.
It isn’t about looking away as some form of toxic positivity, it’s recognising the suffering in every single human, the understanding that we all share this human experience. From this perspective of seeing, we can offer love and compassion into the space in order to heal.
The outer world is a reflection of the inner world. If we do the healing, the world will heal. If we foster acceptance, kindness, compassion and love in our own hearts, it’s easier to offer that outward and accept others’ imperfections and differences.
As the saying goes, hurt people hurt people. We all carry trauma and negativity based on the flawed societal structure we grow up in. The ‘rules’ that tell us how we should act and what we should look like. The same laws that punish us if we stray out of line.
It means we’re largely not permitted to express our true essence. We learn to reign it in to please others. To hide aspects of the self that are considered ‘undesirable’. This becomes internalised and stored away, often in the body. Aches, pains and illnesses are more and more often considered to be related to our psychological and emotional state. In this event, the body’s actually doing us a favour in many ways, it takes the burden out of our minds so we can continue to get on with our lives. So we’re not consumed by what we’re told is unacceptable about ourselves, our actions or our experiences.
So how did we get to this point of disconnection? Well, many theories will exist on this subject. But here’s a layman’s view of what may have led us to dismiss ourselves, our bodies, and the power of healing.
Again I direct my gaze onto the current social framework, which I feel can be quite damaging one way or another. Would you agree? Let me briefly explain. So over the past few hundred years at least, psychology and science have been based on a theory of separation.
It is my understanding that Descartes dismissed intuition, perception and feeling. Instead, he theorised that thinking and rational deduction is the only way to determine facts and reality. He proposed the separation between mind and body, that the two, although closely linked, are not united. Although this theory of separation was largely unaccepted by his peers at the time, it came to lay the foundation for the modern western scientific approach.
That mind and body are, well, disconnected.
Fortunately, this premise is now being contested and more and more scientific research observes an undeniable and intrinsic connection between body and mind. We’re now seeing the function of the vagus nerve, the gut-brain axis, the impact of psychological trauma on the body, the impact of physical trauma on the mind. The completely interwoven relationship between our mind, our hormones, our muscular-skeletal system, our energy levels, our environment, our mental health and well-being and everything else.
We have evolved through this period to believe that we have very little control over our own bodies and minds, as this idea of dualism also separates us from ourselves, our essence, our wholeness. It takes us away from our power and ability to ever be whole, to feel whole.
Dan Seigel (psychiatry+neuroscience) & Jack Kornfield (buddhist+author+mindfulness expert) propose that the integration of brain and body is the one key factor that indicates well-being.
Learning to accept yourself as a united whole - body, mind and soul - is no easy feat, given the deep conditioning we have grown up with. So this leaves us now in a position where it’s up to us to do the work to debunk ideas that we, in our essence, are not enough. We need to change the story, and that starts with number one. If each one of us evolve our mindset towards one of compassion, rebellious acceptance, and enoughness, then society will begin to change for the better.
It is time to unravel the knots that have tied themselves up inside us and made us hide or feel ashamed of elements of ourselves that we don’t feel are worthy.
To do this work we are tasked to actively love - ourselves, our environment, our life history, our experiences and everything that has led us to this point - however painful or traumatic they may be. However big, small or ugly they may seem.
To accept ourselves exactly as we are, then from this place of full recognition, work on healing the parts that are in need of our attention, love and compassion.
No living being - not human, animal, vegetable or mineral - has thrived from neglect, hiding away, hatred or contempt. Every element on this planet is made of energy and to see something thrive is to give it love, understanding, light, attention and nurture.
Come along to my workshop on Sunday 23rd October 2022 in Bristol if you’d like to inject some loving energy into yourself in a group of kindred souls. And if you’re not in the area then grab your free course for self-acceptance to raise the vibration in the comfort of your home.
Click the pic to join our workshop on Sunday 23rd October!
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